moonlight coloured may

“Why should I be lonely, long for heaven and home 
When Jesus is my portion and a constant Friend I know 

I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free 
For His eye is on the sparrow, His eye is on the sparrow 
And I know He’s watching me 

Why should I be troubled when His tender word I hear 
I rest on His goodness in my doubt and in my fear 

I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free 
For His eye is on the sparrow, His eye is on the sparrow 
And I know He’s watching me” - Audrey Assad

Why do I sing?

Because the deepest emotions in me call to be expressed in this way.

I sing because He loves me, because I’m free, because I’m happy and because I want you to know what I know in my heart for yourself.

I read a blog this morning about a girl whose mother once tattooed a deep, bloody green “X” into the top of her hand while drunk one night when the girl was thirteen years old. This girl’s mother left a permanent, visible mark – which screamed some kind of message to her every time she looked at it.

Have you ever thought about the permanence of the marks, good and bad, left on you by others?

Maybe your breath stops at the thought of voicing your opinion because of the burning scar of being reprimanded, condescended, or degraded. It could be that these marks throb and sting day in and day out as an itchy and unpleasant reminder.

On the other hand, maybe your heart is forever altered, capable of leaps and bounds in caring for others because of the unforgettable love poured into you at your moment of greatest need. Perhaps these kinds of marks glow and dance within you, powerful and friendly.

Whatever the case, whether you have been struck or touched, there is something vivid tattooed into you.

There are so many things about this that have touched me today. I consider what kinds of marks I have left on others and those that have been left on me. I consider my identity as one loved, and transformed by love –how many of my marks have been slowly and cleanly rubbed away. 

I regularly receive emails from a friend of mine who runs an incredible ministry, which detail some of the triumphs, blessings and trials that come from her work in reaching out to the community. Today I got an e-mail that made my heart grow three sizes, I’m sure.

A woman entered the Salvation Army building and began talking with my friend. They spoke for a while, and the woman began to explain that she had no cable, that her DVD played was now broken and she was going to be on her way to borrow some VHS tapes from someone across town. My friend perked up, having remembered a store of VHS tapes that she had intended to donate, not knowing if they could be used, and showed the woman the tapes, and letting her know she could borrow whatever she wished.

The woman began to cry. It turned out that the person she intended to borrow the tapes from, required certain kinds of payment or “favors” in exchange for his tapes. This woman felt she had no choice, because unless she was able to distract herself with movies, she feared she may not be able to stay sober. She didn’t know that coming to The Salvation Army that day would provide her a way out.

The woman called her “friend” to tell him she wouldn’t be coming over. He tried to change her mind but she responded, “Listen, you had me convinced that I was worth nothing more than a few lousy movies, but God helped The Salvation Army lady remind me that I am more precious than gold.” My friend told me that they hadn’t even talked about self-worth in their brief conversation…this woman was simply shown kindness and was made aware of her incredible value without words being used to tell her so.

There are so many things that strike me about this woman. Firstly, that she knew without anything being said that God’s love was the motivation for my friend’s kindness to her. Secondly, that she knew instantly it was God who wanted to remind her of his deep love for her and that love gave her worth beyond what she could even understand.  But more importantly to me, she didn’t even question that these things were true. Instead, she recognized, accepted and responded to it automatically and immediately.

I am sitting here thinking that I want to be just like this woman.

I sometimes find myself too willing to accept messages from others that tell me I am not good enough. I question the motivations of others and I don’t trust God when I think that I could do things better.  I know I am not alone in this.

It’s time to make a statement with our lives that says we are loved by God, convinced that this makes us worth more than what others want us to believe. It’s past time to trust an unfailing God, who transforms us with His love.

I am more precious than gold. God used the lady who came to The Salvation Army to remind me of that today.

I can remember being in College, working over summers and almost crying in my office wondering when my turn would come to experience distant lands…or when it would be my chance to get on a plane and see my life change completely before my very eyes with every step I took further from home. I longed to return home from some such trip, changed and speak these words, ‘”This summer, I had the amazing opportunity to…” But for me, that time never seemed to come. I would say goodbye to friends, off to “see the world” and I would stay where I was. I felt paralyzed by the routine. I felt excluded from living life.

Near the close of one particular summer, after having spent months pining in a cold office room, I came out to camp. I was reading over some favorite poems I had written down from various classes I had taken over the semester, and I was struck by this Milton poem, which had been one of my favorites:

When I consider how my light is spent,

   Ere half my days, in this dark world and wide,

   And that one Talent which is death to hide

   Lodged with me useless, though my Soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and present

   My true account, lest he returning chide;

   “Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?”

   I fondly ask. But patience, to prevent

That murmur, soon replies, “God doth not need

   Either man’s work or his own gifts; who best

   Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state

Is Kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed

   And post o’er Land and Ocean without rest:

   They also serve who only stand and wait.”

Although Milton writes this sonnet from the perspective of one slowly losing his sight, wondering if he can honor God with his talents if he is not able to use them to their full extent, at that moment I felt suddenly  that I deeply understood the last line of this verse:

They also serve who only stand and wait.

And this thought hit me: I’d been worrying (story of my life) about whether or not the work I did was good enough for God. I’d bought into the idea that those highly exalted adventures that others were taking were somehow more important than me being where I was and doing my job well.

Ever since those words entered my mind, I have found that my world is changing because I am where I need to be and I’m trying to live where I am. Even still, I need to remind myself from time to time of the transformation that has taken place in me as a result of standing and waiting, when my heart starts longing for something else.

“God may actually intend to transform us not by sending us on a plane, but by trapping us in boring routines and mundane patterns of the daily grind. Our lives can only be lived in the here and now, not in the more exciting then and beyond…Changing location can certainly change our soul, but the truth is many of us are in need of being transformed before we end up on distant shores spiritually ill-equipped and immature.” – Andrew Byers